Liquid Fatal Out Of Memory Battle Realms 18
Liquid Fatal Out Of Memory Battle Realms 18
9/10/18 – my mom died very suddenly and unexpectedly. i had thought it was going to be a heart attack, as she had a slightly high heart rate and often complained of chest pain. she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few weeks before she passed away. she had a very tough time coping with the diagnosis and her health worsened to the point where it finally forced her to leave her job and take a slower paced and easier way to live. she didn’t want a lot of visitors, and used a walker instead of a wheelchair. my brother lived with her until she passed, and it was a very hard transition for him, since my parents didn’t get along. he told me that he tried to talk to her and explain things in a gentle and loving manner, but that she refused to look at him and always kept her eyes down. despite the fact that she was having a tough time with her health, i had never felt that she wasn’t around. i never had any worries or doubts about her mental health or any emotional instability. she never cried; she never seemed down, depressed, or worried about anything. she always seemed like she was fully content with the life she was living, even as she was growing weaker. she had decided to go through with the gastrectomy due to the severity of her health problems, and she was grateful for the opportunity to live her last days at home. we always talked about “living long and dying in a good way” as she said she wanted to live as long as possible, and felt that her life was right on track. she had told me that she wanted to be buried in her garden in her favorite flower, the daffodil. when i went to the funeral home, i was given a card from my brother that described her as a “lovable person who loved her family and was happy with her life”. my mom had been a teacher, and she had had a family of seven children. she had been the youngest and her oldest child now lives alone in a nearby town; my dad died in 2016. i wrote a letter to my brother who gave it to my sister. it was her first time with her parents as well as her brothers and sisters in about 60 years. she said that she looked through the letter and didn’t understand a word of it. when i looked over her family, she had been the “daddy” and all the kids liked her and loved her and had always looked up to her. i was very sad to leave the funeral home, since my mom was such a positive and happy person. i had always thought of her as my mom, but as soon as i got to her funeral home, i realized that this was not a person that i knew. i was really sad and cried a lot. the funeral home was full of happy people enjoying themselves and having fun, but i just kept crying and wanted to be alone. i don’t think that my mom’s death could have been handled better. for example, i wish that we could have gotten to know each other and talked about my mom. i wished that i had known what my mom was thinking and what her dreams were. i wanted to know my mom better. i know that my mom had lots of pain in her life, but i just want to know her better. i was hoping that there would be some type of memorial service for me to attend, but her father had died some time ago, so it was just her brother. i don’t know if that makes any sense.
i could not have put this better myself. i have three sisters, all older than me. i do not think any of them has died yet. i would be fine after that. i believe that is our karma in this life, to be able to embrace our loved ones who have gone before us. as for myself, i had an extended illness with very similar symptoms to your brother and husband. i have been unable to raise my blood count and will likely be on my death bed for many months as well. there is nothing left for me to live for. i have lived a life of exceptional achievement, raised three children and there is nothing left. it would have been easy to escape and have a nice, quiet, simple life, with wonderful friends, but that is not how i want to die. i refuse to be the destroyer of all that i have and have been given. i intend to live my last days in a way that is true to who i am. i will live, laugh and love. that is how i want to die.
it was the most heart-rending experience of my life. my husband died six years ago at 43. we had 6 sons but the boys were grown. when he died, the reality of not having a relationship with my husband hit me like a ton of bricks. i often lost focus as i was so very sad, overwhelmed and angry. my most memorable moment came one day on the front porch of our new home, when i screamed at him. how could i have been so stupid and selfish as to let this happen? my boys had been trying to comfort me but it was all to no avail. i was spitting about how i had let him down, how i was a worthless piece of manure, etc. i never realized how much i missed the relationship with him until that moment. then came the anger, guilt, despair, fear, etc. this was the first time i ever felt these things but it brought them rushing back to the forefront of my mind as i cried and screamed and hurt. no amount of therapy was able to put the pieces back together again but my heart was healed somewhat. today, things are fine, i see my husband in my sons and many wonderful memories, my marriage is great, my boys are wonderful. i am so very grateful for the situation as it is truly what i deserved but i feel the key was me taking the time to heal. honestly, i think i would not be here writing this if it had not been for that terrible, sad, painful day. like you, my memory will be a part of me forever. i will never forget my loving, wonderful husband. he was an amazing father, friend and husband. if you need to talk, i would be glad to listen.